my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
i am craving dick and cupcakes
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
I don't want to hook up with him sober. That's pretty much like saying I love you.
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