How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
Would you like me to write a persuasive essay on how you should let me suck your dick?
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
Yo, go checkout Kerri's Instagram quick! There's like 12 pics of her fucking some guy in a bar's bathroom. GO GO GO GO!!!!
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
She's writing hockey erotica again.
Tell her to pick another team besides ours this time.
Randomize
