Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
The contents of my fridge consist of alcohol, Nuva ring, and cheesecake. I'm that girl.
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
is it bad that im laying on a beach towel in my room with my lights on high pretending to be tanning on the beach in the summer?
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
Randomize
