Hey, do you have a beer bong you could drop off at my little brother's place?
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
you probably should not have drank the wine that everyone spits out. and the sad part, that was not even your low point last night
we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
It's gay softball weekend. Lots of hot gay strangers to go home with.
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
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