So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
I'm a lady who knows what she wants in life, and that's uncommitted dick.
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
I licked your asshole in confidence.
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
What do you mean relationship? He paid for my tires and I gave him a blow job.
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