He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
He passes out, I smoke his kush. All's fair in love and a disappointing lack of sex.
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
You don't have anything to lose--we've established that he's not going to murder you and he smells good.
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.
He's only done it missionary. His world is about to be rocked. Do you know what I look like from behind?
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
I told you for Halloween we just need to let the loins free! Let the girth come to us in a flock, drenched with passion!
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
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