his fiance had made him a calendar of pictures of her. he asked if he should take it down and i said no. i wanted her to watch.
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
I think we need to have a day of drinking in classes. I know we don't share any, but sacrifices need to be made.
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
He propositioned me for a threesome once so yeah I'd say he has what it takes to run for public office
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
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