we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
Im like a co-bf. he pays for her birthday and christmas, but i get all the action.
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
When the doctor said the anal leakage might not be reversible without some lifestyle changes you start asking if it's worth the entertainment value.
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
Randomize
