Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
We went out. i got lost. dunno where they were. they slept in the car. i slept in an outdoor shower. i dont know anything else.
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
I was told to keep my leg elevated. I assume it means to keep my legs on the air, it's like I was prescribed to be slutty
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
Randomize
