just tell him i said nine months
Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
part of me always dies a little when i go to the "2 women seeking 1 man" section in craigslist's casual encounters to find nothing there. it's tragic
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
I can't tell which way is up. Too many corners around his house too. An arbitary assimilation of edges.
Christ, I swear you are the high man's Dr. Seuss.
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
I would fuck him just for his dog
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
can you take a pic of your glorious tits but not send it just yet? I need motivation to finish this bull shit presentation.
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
Randomize
