i just went dwnstairs and there are 5 guys without their shirts on hugging each other. i think i should leave now
Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
How did people poop without Blackberrys?
Motorola Razers?
Stone age, man.
this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up.
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
You grabbed my dick don't call me son
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
Randomize
