nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
Is it sad I don't want to go buy $1 Mac-n-cheese cause I need to pay rent... I'm re-naming this college.
Also, peanut butter on a spoon dinner is back in existence and it is good.
I don't remember much of half-time. I do remember climbing onto the roof of the fraternity and telling people I was going to stargaze in French.
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
She has an alarming number of pictures with cat ears but the sex is amazing.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Randomize
