i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
i wouldn't be half as slutty if there were better things to do.
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
They have a stripper pole on their deck. Normal.
I'm holding onto the sink for dear life. Pretty sure if Iet go I'll turn into a shit propelled man rocket.
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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