Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
I feel as if we moved beyond the hook up stage when she blew me as I drunkenly finished my chicken nuggets.
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
Go for gold. Two birds with one vag.
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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