Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
im pretty sure there are laws against slapping prostitutes
i'm pretty sure there are laws against prostitutes.
I really couldn't tell if she was disgusted with the fact that I yacked on her shoes, or if she was about to do the same to me.
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
She left her panties here. They looked SOOO much smaller last night.
Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
Don't know how your birthday has been, but mine has involved Hershey's syrup and a blowie. It's safe to say you're playing catch up.
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize
