This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
when my dick couldnt get hard she said "fly on little wing"
You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
this is the fifth day in a row i've woken up after 3 pm, hungover. I might die when snowmageddon is finally over and we have to go back to class. my liver wont know how to take it.
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
He really is. Owns his own house and has more than one towel!
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