I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
I do regret it. But I can't unfuck her
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
Adams eating in the shower, he says it's one of his favorite places to eat. Btw it's milanos he's eating, he says he loves italy too.
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
When I ask you to make sure no ones coming while I'm changing.. The logical friend would keep watch. But you my, best friend come stand in front of me and flash everybody.
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
I woke up naked on my couch playing a video game I thought I had dreamed about... oh yeah, and someone cut my hair.
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
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