I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. I drunk emailed a professor on friday. Oh my god. Oh my god.
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
I never thought I'd say this but my vagina is taking a serious break for awhile
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
Say what you want, but those Fraggle Rock DVDs have gotten me laid twice.
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
Sex with him is like pizza, it can be shitty but its stillll pizza.....
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
Randomize
