Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
he told me he once ran a blackmarket liquor store out of his house. thats all it took for me to go home with him
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
So our trip to Disney World ended in the three of us stripping at a gay club in orlando.
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
that pic of me and the hulking football player sure does come in handy when creepy guys hit on me at the bar.
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
its 2pm and were already starting beer pong...its gonna be a good night
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