i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
Dude, I went home and roller-bladed into her bedroom so I didn't have a 'walk' or shame in the morning..I wouldn't talk to her unless she refereed to me as Brink
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
We're having chugging races with long island ice tea, I won. To often
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
He's way too stoned. I took him to el bra and he's laying on the table, not sure what to do with him
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
Well it was okay until he pinned my arms over my head and I found the loaded pistol tucked behind the bed... THIS IS WHY WE DON'T FUCK BOYS IN MONTANA ANYMORE
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
Randomize
