im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
I just texted him to come over because I want to see if his hand fits the handprint bruise on my ass.....I feel like the cinderella of S&M
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
You ever have a fart follow you around?
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