it was like playing where's waldo with your underwear
New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
allie, at least he made an effort and braided his goatee.
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
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