Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
I GPSed you we're an hour and 14min away from each other
and it's going to stay that way
I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
I walked into my room to see them crying, watching hey arnold, and passing a franzia box back and forth...
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
So what your saying is you dont remember trying to hit a golf ball off my chest with a 9 iron?
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Randomize
