Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
I heard that if you win you get to have sex with me. You guys really need to stop wagering my vagina.
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
I couldnt give him head when all I could hear was his little brother playing the piano and this family singing along to it.
The girl who overdosed in the bathroom at work is back....help?
This guy randomly got in our taxi, and has now collapsed on the sofa anouncing that he's staying the night.
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
This chick just walked out of the men's room with molly all over her nose and her shirt half unbuttoned. She nodded to all of us and said "gentlemen" as she exited
Randomize
