I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
she went to her friend's wedding and caught the bouquet. as the unwilling rebound, can i run away now?
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
I just realized I donated our bong to goodwill.. RIP Kimbo Slice
You suck, She hit so hard.
Well, if it gives you any indication, when I got there, there was already some dude passed out naked in the treehouse.
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
Randomize
