wrigley field is MILF paradise
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
the choice between paying your electricity bill and getting herpes medicine is a tough one.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
You're mold. I may or maynot have puked blood this morning.
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
Do you think casino weekend will remind us once again that we in fact are not mature enough to be this old?
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
I woke up and he already had a joint rolled waiting next to the bed. Love.
Randomize
