There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
i looked that guy up on facebook. the one who went down on me for two hours
what's the verdict
i've been scrubbing my vag all morning
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
