How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
just had to take a 4 hour nap to write a one page paper. its obviously the week after winter break.
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
Randomize
