Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
I fucking love fucking science majors-- she told me that she wanted to know if her gag reflex got better or worse with alcohol, and that her initial evidence had been inconclusive. So, next few weeks, yeah, gettin blown periodically. All I have to do is keep a log.
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
All I want to do is fuck in the bell tower before it leave this school. Is that too much to ask?
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
That would warm my breasts.
In this context breast is a metaphor for soul.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
Randomize
