Come with me and I'll find you a girl. What's your type?
Vagina
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
once you have herpes you dont really care what goes in your mouth anymore.
Indoor beer darts at Rafs just turned into a trust exercise of putting your hand on the wall and closing your eyes while the other throws.. Almost gave Cale a Tracheotomy
I just want to have sex and eat oreos. and then take body shots. like everyday.
Probably twitter. Never underestimate a psycho girl with wifi
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
