I'll let you put expensive food in me, but really, not much else.
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
Is "head down ass up" an appropriate way to say good morning?
You have not lived until you've had your brains fucked out on a broken down Tunnel of Love ride. Life is good.
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
Randomize
