I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
Best look from Detroit today: running across the street with your buttcheeks on display carrying a 40 oz. Or maybe being crazy-pregnant and screaming and slamming a pay phone. Toss up.
I know it may not be fiscally responsible to pregame fifty cent night, but I'm gonna go ahead and do it anyway.
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
Next year we will be 30 and no more shots during the week.
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
i don't know what body building stuff he's on, but his cum is basically a 5 hour energy shot.
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
Randomize
