Tell him ill love him long time
I'll assure him of it
You're the unicorn of the gay community. Unbelievable and unattainable.
Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
I want to drop kick Stephanie Meyer
you spelled her name wrong
not you too!!
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
We went to the casino to try to earn enough money to go to new Orleans comfortably. I'm already drunk. This is a horribly immoral start to summer.
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
HIS NAME IN MY PHONE IS JOSHUA DREAMCHASER I CAN NOT
NO SHAME NOVEMBER
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
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