Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
Still workable. Pretty sure i told her i'd eat her out in the woods.
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
Both our collective sex appeal dies once someone cums on a snuggie kayla
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
World Cup Drinking Game: Take a shot every time they call a foul for something we don't understand. Gotta risk it to get the biscuit.
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
I told him I was studying his body for art, so now I have to actually do a drawing of him to not look like a creep and so we can hook up again.
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
Randomize
