I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
Idk yet. Trying to convince him to get a phoenix bird tattoo first
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
Makes Sense, i generally dont want the same person two days in a row. Its like what i pick for supper, i like variety
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
how much do I hate his dog? was just googling to see if you can rent a hungry eagle for the weekend hate.
I gave him a BJ in the shower
I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
Randomize
