Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
Just made a memo in my blackberry that contains seth's funeral arrangements. I have a feeling he has big plans for the weekend.
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
He asked me for a pic so I sent him a pic of my boyfriends dick.
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
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