since we're both too lazy to go to each others house, you drink there, i'll drink here and we'll skype. it's the same thing.
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
Go forth my little lesbian, get your gayme on
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
College is really paying off. I am gonna be a great teacher. I just made a grading sheet for weed. This shit got an A.
Randomize
