I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
then he pulled down his pants, and i just stared for about a minute..... i was so confused. i didnt know my cat could have a bigger penis than an 18 year old man.
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
i was enjoying my post acid trip trance a little too much. i found $50 on the sidewalk but didnt pick it up. just stared at the bill cuz it looked cool.
someone picked it up and i stared at the ground where it was for probably another minute or 2
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
she's just been through a whole lot lately. When the crazy starts leaking out we give her vodka and lock her in the room with all the pillows.
so that's what that room is for...
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
Randomize
