why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
My lips are sealed. Both pairs.
Saturday morning. Went into a study room excited b/c some1 had left a paper w/ an inspirational quote: YOU ARE cApable of aChieving anything yoU waNT. Then I read the bold letters.....
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
Not exactly hook line and sinker right away, but I'll give him a second chance. I should sext him me in my blue shark onesie.
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
My vagina knows your penis is sad about Andrew Luck. You should come over and let her comfort him in his time of need
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