literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
we are learning about oedipus in english. fuck you for making this awkward for me
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
Sorry about your blender, your tiolet, your weed, and your dog...
I'm eager to hear this explaination.
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
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