I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
want the rest of his teeth to fall out while he slowly dies alone. Pretty sure I'm to the anger phase.
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
I can't blame him for thinking that then, placing a cone shaped potato chip on the tip of his penis post bj is not a normal act of love
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
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