So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
I woke up with a black eye and a buttplug...not sure I really want to know what happened.
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
I’m torn. She’s crazy - like legitimately “Wear your skin as a suit” crazy. But her blow jobs and dirty talk are Pornhub quality!
Randomize
