Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
Dude, fate has brought her to your penis.
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
Randomize
