Every good night starts with white castle burgers and shots in the parking lot.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
Stage 55 clinger. not a typo. I cannot even believe this shit.
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
I'll be visiting the rave tower. Prepare your finest boxed wines for my consumption.
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
We watched playoff games and fucked so we could both see the TV. I've now found true love.
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
Pillow talk was a high five, this morning she made dinosaur muffins for the house. I love chapel hill
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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