I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
I need a guy who can see in me what the lesbian community sees in me
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
Randomize
