It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
is it appropriate to call someone “ a tasty piece of bitch?” This is time sensitive.
apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
Day 5 without masturbation. Fat chicks are back on the table
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
Lets just make a point system, like if we have sex add a point, if they leave after take away a point, if they stay all fucking day take away a point
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
Would it be rude to use my vibrator? like he forfeited his right to be mad when he left me orgasmless...right?
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
Randomize
