i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
This sounds like "Sober" Ericka. Sorry that message wasn't for you. I only do business with "Fell off the wagon" Ericka. Please pass that message along to her.
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
Tell him I thought his Superman stand on your bed and cum all over your back was quite funny
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
Oh man, are we repeating last 4th of July?!
That shouldn't even be a question, it's a tradition now. Hope your manhood is ready.
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
Randomize
