How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
just had sex with a midget and didnt wrap it... were totally gonna have a tv show :)
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
we're making bets on your personal life
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
just watched my roommates get stoned and jury rig a pulley system to pass the bowl back and forth across the room.
What are you wearing tonight?
The colors of the winddddddd
If my sophomore year were to be made into a novel, it would be titled "dances with salvia"
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
Randomize
