So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
Just had Jager bombs for breakfast with her roommate... I do not regret this newfound lesbianism.
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
Are we going to go home and do it or do I have time to eat my nachos bell grande first?
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
Randomize
