Well, for starters you dressed up in all Green and kept singing that song from "A Goofy Movie". Then you made us call you Powerline for the rest of the night...needless to say no, you didn't hook up with her
my entire walk over here no one looked in my eyes. Period Boobs are BAACKKK.
nutella sex= disaster
pop tarts are not kleenex
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
Not to mention I think lunch is a little inappropriate when our relationship is only based on Mario kart and alcohol so far...
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
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