Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
while you laid on the ground I poured water into your mouth out of dog bowl some random guy walks by and said now that's what I like to see.
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
well i don't know if 30 seconds is exactly a good time but at least he bought me breakfast
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
Randomize
