it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
Dude I just figured out the mystery flavor of airhead is vodka sprite, no way i'm wrong
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
I feel like it'll be a success as long as she doesn't end up dead in a ditch. There has to be a line somewhere.
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
Can we both just take a day off just to have sex? Is that acceptable as an adult?
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
Randomize
