I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
I just bought Christian paraphenilia at Borders for my dad's bday. I had the urge to tell them it wasn't mine, like I was buying laxatives or a dildo
Hahahaha. You probably would have been more comfortable buying either of those than what you just bought
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
Do I need to let your sister outside to go pee or anything before I leave?
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
Randomize
