I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
Lets start the night off early. Those Coronas arent going to throw themselves up.
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
I just wanted to clarify that I am not bisexual and had no intentions of ACTUALLY penetrating my roommate with a can of bugspray.
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
Randomize
