This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
Nypd just made jon and hayes chug their forties.
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
Looking for my adderal, only found acid. What a shame
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
Randomize
