I know, he also has a fancy car to make up for his tiny penis
May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
We spilled a whole bottle of mouth wash and then proceeded to roll around and make out in it. At least I smell minty fresh.
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
Goat in kitchen.....explanation?....
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
Randomize
