Moan for me like Helen Keller
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
I just took went to the bathroom and it smelt like blue curococo... I didn't flush yet so head on up if you wanna know what a good night smells like.
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
Last thing I remember clearly was, "ok, but if we're are gonna get drunk before class, there's no half-doing this"
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
Left him blackout in the cab, gave 20$ to the cabbie and said drive until the meter said he wasn't getting a tip.
Bangkok has him now.
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