When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
I will give you vagina for bag of have'a corn chips.
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
First of all you can never say anal too much. Second I now think you're a total gentleman.
Rarely has that paragraph ever been put together
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
Taking a walk while tripping face during Halloween time was a bad idea. I started crying bc I was so scared and hide in the parks playground.
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
Just realized that I indirectly pay for sex through my cable bill
Wow. He is an expensive lay
I still have to figure out the cost per lay. It could be a financially sound investment
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