you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
I AM TEN TEQUIA SHOOTS ON AND I JUST SAW SOMEONE DO A BODY SHOT OFFF OF JESUS
THIS FEELS SO WROG AND OH SO RIGHT
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
We joked about how funny it would be if he got pulled over with 300 breakfast burritos in hus car. We walk outside of the school just as the police lights turn on and pull him over
We need to find out what drug we took so we can take it everyday from here on out
Randomize
