if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
This is the kind of period I feel I should name out of respect to the fact I might have just gotten lucky this time.....
How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
They were done having sex when I went to the room. They had that look on their faces.
Disappointment?
I just feel like Im gonna be remembered as that one RA guy that used to sell weed
Its a "sake bomb in the bathroom during class" kind of day.
I mean i can't really be mad...either way i was gonna fuck him or hate fuck him, so it's basically a win/win situation.
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
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