I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
I haven't seen any of my friends sober in months. We have classes together.
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
Just bought a waterproof mattress cover. Bring it on sophomore year.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
Nothing more ironic than raw dogging some random Asian hottie last night and then doing the walk of shame home from her place mixed in with the participants of the AIDS walk
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
Yes we can sext. I'm taking my socks off.
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
Want to meet at a cool spot and just park like cops side-by-side and you can eat some potatoes and I can smoke a cigarette in your face?
Randomize
