here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
I gave him a blowie and after he said he wanted to send a giftbasket to the girl we met through.
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
he found my favorite bra, 3 thongs and a pair of jeans and gave them back. i love move out day.
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
hes that one kid that offered to spoon after staring at me for 5 minutes
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
Randomize
