I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
I didn't know. I guess I really haven't had that much time for drinking lately. I mean, outside drinking at home/work.
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
God, I missed his penis.
Randomize
