Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
Do you think girls in gamma phi sit around and think about how much they suck?
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
If I sleep with another Spanish guy it is officially renamed my senor year.
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
would you like to venture to the magical clitoris forest?
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
Randomize
